View From a Cop: Steve Rose Muses on Life, Aging and Secrets to Carry to the Grave

Consider there are people out there who, despite our best efforts, know more than us. It is mostly in the way they give us advice that we either accept it or blow it off.

We're a little more cynical as we get older and less impressed by other's wild success stories.

In my experience, if men brag about money or women, they’re most likely lying. If anything, we want practical advicw that will help us in some way.

Aging gracefully is something we should “embrace;" but “accept” is probably more the reality. 

We’ve all seen good and bad plastic surgery. You want to see bad? Look at Dolly Parton in her new movie ,“A Joyful Noise.” She looks like the Joker from “Batman.”

She said, “Okay, this is what I was shooting for?”

I don’t think so. The tip of your mouth should not reach each ear—if you still have those left.

Don’t beat yourself up. Pick your causes for depression.

Here are a couple of good pieces of advice:

• Never Judge Yourself Under Florescent Lighting.

George Clooney looks like crap under two forty-eight shop lights. Every little pore in your skin shouts at you and every little blemish looks like Mt. Vesuvius. I hate florescent lighting. It gives me headaches and people look at me strangely because, well, see above starting with “Every little pore….”   I brought in two floor lamps so now my office looks like the reception room at the local funeral parlor but everyone, but one, looks much better.

• Think Ahead—Your Dirty Little Secrets May Surface at the Wrong Time.

Unfortunately, we all have to go sometime. Personally, I don’t want any warning. I’m good with quick and swift opposed to long and drawn out illnesses leading to my demise. (I’ve probably jinxed myself—thank you Steve.)

Let’s say you die peacefully at home. Those who find you, hopefully within a short time, will call 9-1-1 and the response will be by EMS and then the police. Your door is open to several people who will determine if the death was by foul play.

Still, even if no foul play, you have some folks in your home that you don’t know. There have been many times I’ve responded to death calls and found someone’s secrets—which needed to stay buried away, out there for us to see. Fetishes are the most common. Self-produced videos, devices and/or acts are sometimes evident when first responders arrive.

In 2009, David Carradine was found hanging in a closet inside his hotel room in Bangkok, Thailand. Suicide was first reported but later, the autopsy revealed that he most likely died from autoerotic asphyxiation, which is more common than you may think. We have seen several cases of it over the years.

Anyway, the moral of the story is, well, don’t do that. If your sex life involves hanging by the neck. Seek help on that. Just saying…

• Be Happy

Easy to say—sometimes hard to do. Unlike the movies, sometimes the ending is not so happy but you still have to go forth and hopefully do good. Do what you can.

Like everyone else, I worry. I have four kids. What’s not to worry about? Fortunately they’re all alive, in good health, and not currently indicted. I worry about their worries, about job worries, and like you, about money.

We’re all in the toilet right now with real estate which should be gaining equity. It’s not. I’m pissed about that. Let’s go on and on right? We could all night. Find a time in the evening and clear your head. Relax. If you’re not driving or operating heavy or mid-size machinery, it’s okay to have a glass of wine. Sure, why not? Seven glasses of wine? Maybe not, but in my house, a glass is good for, if nothing else, easing the knot in your brain. I’m a big believer of mindless entertainment. Take time to be nothing for an hour. Be happy. 

• Facebook

I know you think that everyone’s interested in the photo you just took of the lobster that your husband or wife cooked for you and you’d like to share it with everyone. Well, speaking personally, I don’t give a %#@^% what you had for dinner, well, ever.

Facebook has made us realize that our friends are pretty boring. The jokes are bad, recycled, and for the most part, insignificant. If you’re lodging in a fancy hotel, I don’t really want to see the photo of the toilet and adjoining bidet. All I see is where you’re going to poop and then wash up—information I could do without. I know the underlying message is “I stay in cool places” but in reality, I’m not walking away with envy and for the rest of the evening I’m picturing how nasty it must be for the staff to clean up.

Facebook needs more buttons next to the “Like” button. It should be Like, Unlike, Boring, Unfriending You Now, and Seek Therapy. “Get a Life” is something you can write in the comments section.

The real tragedy of Facebook is that all of our fond memories of the really hot girls in high school and college are shattered about five seconds after you’ve accepted them as friends. But wait? Maybe it was just the florescent lighting. I’ll cling to that.

(Be Happy Knuckleheads.)