This post was contributed by a community member. The views expressed here are the author's own.

Crime & Safety

View From a Cop: Rapture's Hell Train Surely Includes a Corona and Cuban Cigar

Saturday was the day of Rapture. Christians were going to heaven and the rest were to board the heathen train headed for hell.

I was in Dallas, Texas yesterday for a family visit and a Jimmy Buffet concert.

My wife and her brother are big Parrotheads. I enjoy the tailgating; if you like people watching.

As far as people-watching goes, you cannot find a better group of bozos to watch. Thousands of folks ranging from young professionals to the older baby-boomer crowd will be showing off this year’s fashion trends centering on the theme of cheeseburger hats and coconut bras for men.

Find out what's happening in Sandy Springswith free, real-time updates from Patch.

Combine that and a few hours of excessive drinking, you get a people-watcher paradise: Drunken old fat guys in pirate costumes throwing up, smiling while holding up a Corona, and then throwing up again.

By day, a corporate manager; by night, a silly drunken version of Jack Sparrow.

Find out what's happening in Sandy Springswith free, real-time updates from Patch.

One thing is for sure. It is a bunch of fun so if you haven’t made the trip to Margaritaville, the tailgating version, put it on your bucket list.

Speaking of bucket lists, Saturday was the day of Rapture, according to Harold Camping, a Christian evangelist. According to Camping, Christians were going to heaven and the rest were to board the heathen train headed for hell.

Camping said those sinners left behind would endure five months of hell until earthquakes finally do it in on October 21st.

If you know me well enough, you know that I probably have a seat on the Hell Train. My wife says she’ll miss me but reminds me I had my chances to repent on Sunday mornings. I’d probably be on the rapture side if church services weren’t on Sunday mornings, the National Day of Sleeping In.

Move it to Tuesday at 10 a.m. and I’m there. Besides, repent for what? In the scheme of things, I’m a good guy. I don’t even rebroadcast baseball games without the express written consent of Major League Baseball, and I’ve never even torn a mattress tag off—not that I didn’t want to, but who needs the mattress police showing up while I’m trying to watch the “Adam-12” marathon on TV Land?

I’m not so sure that hell is just one thing. Some folks think that hell is custom made for the individual. Your hell and mine are different but the bottom line is the same. It’s the worst thing that could happen to you. In my case, I’m sure it is five more months of “Real Housewives of Atlanta” or George Michael makes a successful musical comeback. (According to my lawyer, the words “ex-wife” should not appear in this sentence.)

Wait a minute! Harold Camping was wrong before. He predicted the same thing in 1994 but here we are. His critics argue that no one knows when the Rapture will come. It’s supposed to be a surprise—which is just the way I want it.

Still, If I have to stand in line for the Hell Train, I’ll be there with my ugly Hawaiian shirt, Viking helmet, a big Cuban cigar, and a Corona in my hand—and I’m not talking a light Corona either! I may not even shave.

We’ve removed the ability to reply as we work to make improvements. Learn more here

The views expressed in this post are the author's own. Want to post on Patch?

To request removal of your name from an arrest report, submit these required items to arrestreports@patch.com.