Steve Rose: Make the Most of Con Artists That Show up at Your Door

I just won the Spanish Lottery--again. This is the third time I've won it. Not one cent!

Apparently, there are at least three wealthy people in far off Africa, Nigeria, and one other place that I can't even pronounce or find on the map, who are under the impression that I'm the only guy able to help move over 33 million dollars into this county and they're willing to give me twenty-five percent.

This past week I received an e-mail from a family in the Philippines. They are stranded at their hotel and they're money was stolen so of course they can't pay the bill so the hotel, a luxury hotel, is forcing them to stay until the bill is paid.

Okay, stranded at the luxury hotel might not be the worst thing in the world--unless it's next door to a Chucky Cheese or something. If you get that music in your head and you're done for.

I responded back, something that you should never do on your home computer, and told them that as soon as these twits from Africa, Nigeria, and that other place, pay up, I'll be happy to send a couple of coach seats on Air Philippines or whatever carrier over there can get off the islands. If not, I suggested they make their way down to Olongopo City where the old Subic Bay Naval Base was. I managed to have a decent time there with almost no money. That's all I have to say about that. 

This past week a report was filed giving the following scenario: A woman was contacted by a man who came to the door and said that her driveway needed to be resurfaced. He offered to do the job, and the 84-year old victim agreed to, for $39 per gallon. The man finished the job and said the victim owed him $4,000.

Divided into gallons that's over a 100 gallons of surfacing. We checked and found that her driveway didn't extend to the moon so 100 gallons of resurfacing paint was simply way too much. She ended up paying the man half that amount, which was still ridiculous but the report noted that the man became aggressive in his tone and told her to call her bank and find out how much money she had when she told him she didn't have $4,000 dollars.

This clown came to the door in an old pickup truck and walked away with two grand. That shouldn't happen. The victim's age put her in a specific category of criminals who are surely going to hell but in the meantime, are preying on seniors and bilking them out of tons of money.

A great deal of scams both on the Internet and the walk-up kind target those over 50. The majority of them specifically target females over 70. Much of the prevention is not so content heavy but rather points out one or two, what I call "absolutes" that anyone, especially seniors, should use when contacted by someone who could be initiating a scam.

First, a hard sale with a demand for an immediate decision usually means the seller doesn't want the potential victim to have time to think about it. Let's say they want to resurface your driveway. Go to Rule 1:

Rule 1: Ask for an explanation as to why? Make them talk more. If there's BS in the story, the more you ask, the sooner it comes out."How do you know the driveway needs resurfacing? What specifically do you see?"

Remember that legitimate companies have track records and documents to show their success. They have flyers and business cards and trucks that don't look like they just came out of a monster freeway pileup.

Rule 2: Request local references. Since they are in your neighborhood, ask who else has had this work done and tell them you would like to contact them.  Legit companies will supply them. Those unsavory bottom-feeding parasites who we call crooks, won't have them and will give you a puny excuse as to why. Remember, you have now taken them out of their comfort zone because you are asking more questions than they counted on. Normally, this is followed by an awkward silence on their part.

Rule 3: Enjoy the awkward silence. When those unsavory bottom-feeding parasites who we call crooks stand there with that "duh" look and the silence follows, don't fill in the blanks. Just enjoy the awkward moment and let them squirm--if for nothing else, to confirm to you that you don't need this person in your life.

At this point say "No thanks" and close the door or you can go to Rule 4.

Rule 4: Leave me a brochure or flyer and let me read over it. I will get back to you if I am interested. (ME back to you--not YOU back to me.) The last nail in the coffin is you not agreeing to anything today. If, by chance, they have anything in writing, other than a cheap business card or Xeroxed paper, take it, say thanks, and close it out--no more discussion.

These are four options that you have to use anytime someone solicits at the door. Not all of these guys are crooks. Some are just good ol' boys making money on the side but even so, you want a company person, bonded, and professional, doing work. You don't want someone suing you because he fell off his crummy ladder while cleaning your gutters. That's just good prevention in the category of "liability." Crooks, are the targets we want to discourage here.

Now, that being said, here are some visual aids you can employ for effectiveness and your own personal entertainment when answering the door to unknown solicitors:

1. Wear a Viking helmet and insist they call you "Vanoot of the North."

2. Keep a can of mousse and an old white t-shirt with red paint on it. Mousse your hair up into the shape of horns on each side and put the shirt on. When you answer the door, immediately ask "Do you have anything that gets blood out of carpet?"

3. Smile, give them the thumb's up and keep saying "USA-You bet" when they start to speak. 

4. Get an old army helmet. When they ring the doorbell, put it on and answer the door saying "We are at Def con-Four. Go and tell the others!"

You get the picture. Four absolutes should keep them on the defensive and hopefully out of your life. Remember that we love 911 calls on suspicious characters and often these lead to good arrests so put us on speed dial. Don't forget. Don't respond to any Internet e-mail that doesn't pass the "smell test."

I plan of making a large full-color brochure on this as soon as those guys in Africa, Nigeria and that other place pay up.